tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59889921958203725572012-01-24T22:52:29.647ZVery Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.comBlogger421100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-49612400274356572792010-05-17T12:40:00.003+01:002010-05-17T12:42:49.552+01:00

Colour-blindness is a disability worse than losing a leg. After all, there’s no such thing as a wheelchair for the eyes, and at least amputees can colour-coordinate their wardrobe.I am colour-blind myself, despite the title and, despite lacking the capability to choose wallpaper that matches my sofas, there are many hidden perks to colour blindness; enough to convince you to pretend to be

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-78633365070210181652010-04-19T12:00:00.001+01:002010-04-19T14:56:17.842+01:00

Blockbusters are the sprinkles on the cake of contemporary society. Some people don’t like sprinkles, but most do, since they are just sugar and food colouring and taste nice, and when future historians look back they’ll obviously be interested in the dry cake beyond the sprinkles, whereas normal people will just nibble at the sprinkles and maybe some of the icing and leave the rest behind a

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-36667057454958383932010-04-12T12:45:00.002+01:002010-04-12T23:10:03.948+01:00

Ah, Fashion. If religion is the opium of the masses, then fashion is surely the cocaine of the cool, or at least the crack of the cultured.Being fashionable means to be a willing participant in an unrelenting race to be perfectly stylish, poised and modern, while all the time the criteria shift and buck underneath you like an angry horse (one which you are trying to ride in terribly impractical

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-18737415287710117212010-04-08T12:02:00.008+01:002010-04-09T00:13:53.900+01:00

(Sorry for the post-nudiustertian update; I really am a bletcherous slubberdegullion. If I wasn’t so callipygian I’m sure you’d have no time for me.)If the number of public holidays attributed to a person are any indication of their fame, then Jesus comes out an easy victor; with the chocofeast of Easter a close second to the presentfest of Christmas as everyone’s favourite day of the year. And

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-32889359561667878492010-03-29T10:27:00.005+01:002010-03-29T15:42:46.543+01:00

Pleasing employees is like second-guessing the stock market; you have to work extremely hard to get it right, most experts agree you can’t do it consistently, and if you get it wrong then you’ll end up with no money and hated by everyone, particularly yourself.Fortunately, unlike the ungovernable and incorporeal stock market, employees are both governable and corporeal; meaning that you will be

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-12396358290494955252010-03-22T12:00:00.004Z2010-03-22T22:39:13.107Z

I quite like taking the train, but I can’t seem to pass a train journey without someone sidling up to me and spilling their life story all over me a like a simmering cup of bitter coffee. And I didn’t even want coffee. I just wanted to do my crossword.Maybe you too have a big friendly face, honest eyes and a smile permanently creasing your cheeks. If so, damn; people are going to assume that you’

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-39122017315250069342010-02-15T00:01:00.005Z2010-03-05T15:11:48.219Z

“Presentations are the business of business.” Put that on your business cards, and everyone will see that you mean business. Or possibly buzzness, since buzzwords and buzzphrases should be at the top of your list of things to try to change your presentation from a time killer to a killer time. (buzzwords are important at every stage of your career.)Anyway, ever do a presentation and feel the

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-74492327878992948472010-02-08T10:05:00.004Z2010-03-23T16:54:58.819Z

No new article today, as I've been spending all my time fiddling with two of my existing articles for a competition which is being adjudicated today ( Very Top Five Horrific Stories Which Became Disney Films and Very Top Five Freaky Funguses). I’ll update this post to say how that’s gone.Update: Mighty victory! I was 1st in the competition for Funguses. The judge didn't like the Disney films one

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-9895888343075130872010-02-01T09:21:00.003Z2010-02-01T09:39:03.900Z

It’s blog carnival time. This time around, almost no-one could count up to five. When I said funny top five lists in the blog description, people chose to interpret either one, two or all three of these as voluntary; so we have some lists, and some lists of five, and some of them are funny.Shamefully, only one managed all three; a list of five that is intended to be funny. I’ve put that one at

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-63739812351277144812010-01-25T00:01:00.001Z2010-01-25T11:51:01.063Z

January 25th is Burns Night, and round the world you'll see great fatty puddings tucking into some haggis. People in Scotland will be reciting Burns’ “Ode To a Haggis,” and others will be celebrating the Diaspora, thinking pleasantly of the country in which their ancestors clearly couldn't stand living, while trying not to wonder too much about what those pink wobbly bits in their haggis are (

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-33758597592761909092010-01-18T00:01:00.001Z2010-01-20T10:17:07.548Z

I'm writing an extra-special Burns night spectacular for next Monday (which is Burns night) so this week I thought I would whet your whistle with a collection of my five favourite metaphors (and similes) from my previous articles.5. “Atheists and Christians both feel that they have made the right choice. This burning passion separates the pure metal of truth from the dross of lies in the great

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-76500128410831447322010-01-11T00:01:00.003Z2010-01-13T21:00:46.751Z

Back in the day, if you got kidnapped by a dragon, you couldn’t move for knights charging in to slay the evil fire lizard and rescue yo' ass. These days you might be concerned about the conspicuous lack of dudes in armour, but there are knights even now; every year, the Queen elevates a few worthy chaps to the rank of Knight of the British Empire.Which is just as well, because we’ll need someone

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-73344307129085742352010-01-03T23:58:00.010Z2010-01-08T18:41:35.072Z

Throughout all of prehistory and right up until the 1880s the tallest buildings in the world were religious ones; first the pyramids and then cathedrals and steeples and whatnot.This was pretty much until the commercial buildings of the 20th century displaced them. “Ah ha,” you might postulate, “but didn’t commerce effectively replace religion in terms of unparalleled societal grandeur and hence

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-60795414135800385852009-12-28T10:18:00.010Z2009-12-28T18:58:13.808Z

There is far too much emphasis placed on combat against zombies in modern culture. Effective combat against the full spectrum of the Legions of the Dead (AKA Undead) is a diverse subject, far more complicated than the simple “remove the head or destroy the brain” nonsense to which we’re all subjected with such regularity.What would you do if Edward Cullen was all up in yo' grill, trying on his

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-50152184408501497822009-12-21T00:01:00.003Z2009-12-21T14:08:26.043Z

Just a short update this week, what with me needing to get my wrap on in time for Festymas (That's my new portmanteau word for Christmas/The Festive Period, designed specifically to allow for inclusion of non-Christian faiths over the holidays, while at the same time being a damn sight quicker to say. You're welcome.) Anyway, it's time for a bit of self inspection with a look at the strangest

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-74143050109386771562009-12-18T11:04:00.004Z2009-12-18T11:13:09.871Z

The Telegraph, sometimes called the Torygraph by stock wags, published an opinion piece yesterday on the ongoing story about British Airway’s blocked attempt to have a big strike over Christmas.Telegraph editor Jeff Randall wrote the article, and lost no time in jumping up and down on the “feather-bedded workers” and giving them a jolly good verbal booting. He then moved on to blame the Labour

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-28645257636235860322009-12-17T10:26:00.007Z2009-12-17T14:01:52.782Z

The Independent was started in 1986, and so is one of the youngest British newspapers (most British papers started as cave paintings thousands of years ago to back up the cave-people’s vague prejudices with a take on the news that panders to the opinions they already held. “Ug kills Og with rock; whatever happened to morals among the young cave-people?” type of thing.)The Independent is

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-55524059415260773312009-12-16T10:46:00.003Z2009-12-16T10:55:14.184Z

The Guardian newspaper is read by the sort of person who knows what a chiffon is, and who has ever eaten something at a restaurant that has the word ‘tartlet’ in its description, and so they consider themselves quite cultured and importantYesterday this paper ran an article reporting that a vote is being taken by banks on whether to phase out cheques, and the middle classes responded in a tidal

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-37541049789962538112009-12-15T10:27:00.006Z2009-12-15T16:24:42.584Z

Global warming; it’s a hot topic. Scientists are trying to dredge the lake of impartiality to get to the sunken boat of truth, but the politicians are jumping all over the scientists’ ship and fiddling with the controls, trying to sink that as well.Anyway, the Daily Express has published an article called “100 reasons why global warming is natural” and as you might expect some of their readers

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-38595138027685364052009-12-14T10:27:00.007Z2009-12-14T15:13:10.567Z

Daily Mail:So, apparently London’s Kensington and Chelsea council put a council house tenant and her family into a £2.6 million mansion in Notting Hill. Oops. It seems they couldn't find any other houses in the area, and the alternative was to put them in a hotel. Clearly the council have a lot of 'splainin to do, but this is the Daily Mail’s take on the story: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-16668162159874392102009-12-07T00:01:00.001Z2009-12-07T00:01:01.061Z

The medieval battlefield was a smorgasbord of spiky dismemberment. A knight had to tool up, or before he could scream he’d have been glaived in the gonads, billhooked in the bollocks, spetumed in the scrotum and voulged in the family jewels. And that’s just the guy in charge; his privates will get poleaxed as well.The medieval period was a time where opposing groups of angry men put great effort

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-33516035933880127482009-12-01T00:01:00.000Z2009-12-01T00:01:00.923Z

Welcome to the December 1, 2009 edition of the top five carnival. I'm doing a carnival. Hurrah. And magically there were five entries which I liked (And I do things in fives, as you know), so here they are:emancave presents 5 Must Have Android Apps for Guys! posted at e-ManCave.com, saying, "Top 5 Android apps for men and most of them are silly and humorous." Tom Kent presents Top 5 Funny Animal

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-87389563290068351372009-11-30T00:01:00.003Z2009-11-30T00:05:10.779Z

Being a good driver is all about perception. I don’t mean how you perceive the traffic around you (that’s basic stuff for losers who don’t have sweet rides), I mean how you perceive yourself.Here’s a quick way to see if you consider yourself a good driver: When you look in the rear view mirror do you just see the boring boring boring traffic behind you? Or do you flicker yourself a cheeky grin

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-58210806535698626432009-11-23T00:01:00.005Z2010-03-22T16:53:05.400Z

Twinned city agreements (also called sister cities) are designed to foster international cooperation, by which I mean give town officials a pleasant place to play golf and relax for a week whilst on their yearly ‘culture mission’. And you can’t do culture without margaritas.Most cities will have one or more sisters. The will to foster international links with as many cities as possible is as

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-86125263782569548012009-11-16T00:01:00.000Z2009-11-16T00:15:42.485Z

“Knock knock.”“Who’s there?”“God.”“God who?”“God!”First, let’s just sort something out: I’m not a Christian or an Atheist. Nor am I an Agnostic, Muslim, Jew, Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist, or adherent to any other belief. Good. Right. So don’t be tiresome and claim I’m biased one way or another.So, as I am neither Christian nor Atheist, I have decided to alienate y’all, for a laugh. I will do this by

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-22226430781557258472009-11-09T08:01:00.000Z2009-11-09T08:54:52.080Z

Acronyms are the LASERS of language, the SWAT teams of succinctness, and the semantic equivalent of filling your SCUBA with TNT instead of O2. OMG, acronyms are amazing (as are alliterative annexations).Acronyms, as you may know, result from taking a group of words, hacking some of the first letters off, and using what results as a brand new term of reference. E.g., AIDS is quicker to say than “

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-14532965544501036902009-11-02T08:01:00.000Z2009-11-02T13:23:24.750Z

Did someone not once say “if the pen is mightier than the sword, then journalism is the whetstone”? I’m sure somebody must have done.Anyway, do you want to check out the skills zone for current trends or indications of paradigm shifts? By the way, if you can use the words ‘paradigm shift’ without your face sagging into a grimace under the weight of all the sarcasm, then you will make an

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-82048007457725692642009-10-26T07:01:00.000Z2009-10-25T21:42:30.262Z

Disney have been delighting fickle kiddies for generations with tales of heroism and fabulousness. But just where did Disney get those zany story ideas from? Sometimes they made them up specially, but often they adapted a book, fairytale or myth.Like strong coffee, these stories were often too hot and bitter for Disney’s taste, so they added saccharine and watered them down a bit, leading to this

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-33921353500244301322009-10-19T08:01:00.000+01:002009-10-19T00:11:06.055+01:00

Damn, so you’re unemployed? You might well deserve it due to your lack of ability and ambition, or it could be the random stroke of a cruel recession, but I’m going to go ahead and assume the former. Everyone else will, after all.Suddenly twenty four hours seems an absurdly over-generous amount of time to idly flicker past, every single day. Conversely, the weeks will melt into months and years

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-22024620248550340052009-10-14T21:07:00.000+01:002009-10-14T22:41:30.088+01:00

Well I'll be bejiggered, it turns out that I'm made of win. I've been given a Superior Scribbler award by Sondra Stinglash at callithumper blogspot. This is particularly funkalicious due to my only recently shattered viginity in this medium.She said; "Very Top Five because his writing is so damn smart it makes me jealous."How jolly nice. My writing is very smart though; I use Latin and shiz all

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-75481532402630156072009-10-12T08:01:00.000+01:002009-10-12T00:10:26.810+01:00

Nature is great at inventing things because it has the time to tinker. Millions of years of evolution have gone into improving the best and scrapping the worst bits of creatures in an endless search for perfection. (Alternatively, God did it. And he’s jolly clever, by all accounts, so proponents of evolutionary theory and creationism are in agreement, at least on this; Creatures are very well

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-46775211589887152322009-10-05T08:01:00.000+01:002009-10-05T09:24:32.348+01:00

So you’ve discovered a new chemical element and are trying to think of a good name for it? Well, it isn’t all laughs and fun, despite what you might think of the occasional joke names like ‘Uranium’.You might want to pick a name which says something about the properties of the element, like the greenish-yellow gas chlorine, which unsurprisingly means “greenish-yellow” in Greek. The same logic of

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-17633225154725472532009-09-28T08:01:00.000+01:002009-09-28T16:27:03.388+01:00

What are Megafauna? Let’s be frank with each other; they sound rather like a second-rate science fiction species invented by an author with easy access to thesaurus entries for “big” and “animals”, but scant access to creativity or wit. However, to castigate Megafauna on that basis would be to do them an injustice. Don’t get me wrong, they are indeed big, and they are animals, but they possess

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-30311304547121062102009-09-21T08:01:00.000+01:002009-09-22T22:39:10.631+01:00

So you’ve got a blog, and you’ve been pouring your little heart into it for some time. Unfortunately, no-one seems to dig (or digg) your own peculiar brand of self-diagnosed genius, and you are still getting only two hits a day. (Both from your mother, who likes to keep up with what her boy is up to these days on the world wide internet with all his electronic friends.)Anyway… what you need in

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-78888460746193049362009-09-14T17:18:00.000+01:002009-09-14T09:19:01.632+01:00

Genetics is the science of the future; today! It’s all about sticking the cattle prod of science into the buttock of Nature and laughing delightedly at the hilarious mooing and moaning of all those hippy naysayers. Genetic fiddling is our duty to, and of benefit for, our children and our children’s children.For example, if we can give our children four arms and tentacles instead of a face, then

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-16092477007185252822009-09-07T20:30:00.000+01:002009-09-08T08:42:55.695+01:00

The British Empire was the largest Empire the world has ever seen, plateau-ing in the 1800s to the awesomeness of Georgian and Victorian splendour, and eventually declining in the 20th century.As the following list will show, this prolonged success was due to a small but significant number of total dudes who were able to get shot in the face and just laugh it off, before single-handedly

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-69061912500206683492009-09-06T21:02:00.000+01:002009-09-06T21:25:39.195+01:00

First things first; you don’t need to know any actual Science yet. They’ll teach you that while you’re there. That’s the point of the course, innit?The things you need to know now are the most important things; the things the University won't tell you. Things like how to sleep surreptitiously in lectures should you feel momentarily overcome by fatigue brought on by the recommended student diet of

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-28864160609204168762009-09-05T16:26:00.000+01:002009-09-05T23:55:24.700+01:00

This is written for women, by the way. (If you are a man and wish to snare men, you’ll have to check that they are of the same persuasion first. Apparently there are ways to tell. Either that or be immensely good at persuasion.)Man are bastards, multiple sources reliably inform me. If you require further proof of how conniving/blasé/wanky men are, please read “Very Top Five… Ways to impress on a

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-25218987631672544372009-09-04T19:10:00.000+01:002009-09-04T20:09:00.533+01:00

(This section is for dudes, by the way. See tomorrow’s article for the lady’s equivalent.)Right, so you need a bit of assistance on a first date. Or even with meeting someone who will actually go on a date with you in the first place.It's a complex business. What you wear, what you say, how you act: All of these things are very important. And doing well on a first date is of paramount importance

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-36671275120486346282009-09-03T18:40:00.000+01:002009-09-04T22:48:54.589+01:00

National mottoes: A source of eternal pride for the people of a country, yes? For example, Iraq is so chuffed with its motto (Allah is Great) that it’s even on their flag. Fab.A motto should be concise, wise and inspiring, shouldn’t it? It should have gravitas. Many countries go for Latin mottoes for that granite embossed, official air; others use native languages to inject a smidge of extra

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-52922380035161352862009-09-02T20:22:00.001+01:002009-11-24T16:39:10.218Z

Interviews are the crusts on the toast of society. Nobody likes them, but you have to bite through them before you reach the moist goal of buttery employment.Do you have any idea what the difference between a 'skill' and a 'quality' is? No? That's because both of those words are buzzwords with almost no relevance to the job that you are applying for, and are used as a way of trying to form poor,

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5988992195820372557.post-80782320230256794492009-09-01T20:11:00.000+01:002009-11-10T21:01:23.485Z

Fungi are fun, hence the name. Anyway, it's time for a run through of the five most freaky funguses.Some are edible, some are deadly; some are tiny microscopic blips, while the biggest is the largest living organism on the Earth, at 6 million kilograms. Freaky, no?Among their accolades, funguses have been historically associated with witchcraft, and people have even been burned at the stake for

Very Top Fivehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07238102805858457113noreply@blogger.com1